Conrad Hilton toilet in room with English translation

As soon as I heard about the toilets in Japan I couldn’t wait to try one. I rushed into the nearest Restroom at Narita airport immediately after landing.  But when confronted with the myriad of options, indicated by symbols on a side panel, I choked.  There was a musical note, various positions of butts and women’s personal parts discretely being sprayed or sprinkled, and a few plus and minus signs.  As soon as I sat down unusual noises and motions began to emanate from the bowl and I figured I had better do my business and get out.  There would be plenty of  other opportunities.

My big chance came when Gerald and I decided to have lunch in an upscale Japanese restaurant frequented by locals.  We took off our shoes at the entrance and were shown to our table.  When it was time to make my move, I was given a pair of slippers to traverse the restaurant and another pair when it was time to enter the restroom. I was then left to my own devices.  In order to enter the room you pressed a button and the door automatically slid open.  The first problem arose when I tried to press the button to re close it. it was jammed so I gently nudged it to move. A panic attack set in when I realized that maybe I might get locked in there if the automatic door wouldn’t re open to let me out. OK- breathe and relax.  With excitement and a sense of adventure I attacked the option panel (which had no English translations for the pictures).  I heated the seat and pressed the button with the musical note.  Flushing sounds began and repeated. Hmm…. is this their idea of music or what?  Then I started pressing the sprinkler buttons.  First my butt got tickled with gentle sprays of lukewarm water.  I could get used to this.  Trouble arrived with the second button- the bidet option.  A jet of  hot water started pulsing up and it was not enjoyable to say the least, but I didn’t know how to get it to stop.  I thought that maybe if I lifted my butt from the seat there would be a movement sensor and the spray would stop, but no.  The water started spraying all over the bathroom stall.  Panicked I sat back down, worrying that I was doomed to stay in my stall getting attcked by the various water sprays- front and back.  Maybe this was my punishment for making fun of Japanese custom. I started to furiously press all the buttons at once, praying for deliverance.  Success.  One of the buttons was an orange one which stopped all actions.

Back at the hotel I carefully inspected our toilet. The inside of the seat gave warnings and explanations of the dangers of using this “product”.  “Low temperature burns” from heating the seat too much can cause “Blisters on the skin which can be very painful”. And far from providing relaxing music, the musical button is for “Privacy”.  Being correct and reserved is important in Japanese culture so if you fart or make too many toilet noises, the flushing sounds can hide your embarrassment from others.

Everything from the temperature of the water sprays to the power of the flush is carefully thought out. Efficiency in all things is an admirable part of the Japanese way of life. It’s going to be very boring when I get back to the USA and all I get to choose is to flush or not to flush.